Friday, May 11, 2012

What's the worst..

thing that could happen?

We all deal with difficult things in our lives.  We all deal with difficult times.  This year has already been rough and I'm sure you've seen that if you've followed along.  By now you've seen that I've caught up through the middle of March...yes, I'm a bit behind....and that's ok.  I didn't want to let these next two things out of the bag so early on.  Purposeful slacking?

There's not a job for me here next year.  That's right, my time in Alaska is rapidly coming to a close.  I've known it for awhile and many of you that know me a little more personally might already know that as well.  My experience here is rapidly coming to a close.  I knew this already at the end of Fur Rondy.  Ok, I deal with that.  You mean I "have" to go home for the summer like I was already planning to do to be with my family.  The thing is, now I have to go to the job fair to search for a new job.

Plans change.  In the blink of an eye.

March 15th.  No amount of technology can cross the distance from Egegik, AK to Home like you need it to.  I don't care what kind of degree Western Oregon has given me, how much I've learned on my own, how big a smart board can make someone's body via Skype, it doesn't matter.  You can't hug a screen when your Mom gets on the screen and you INSTANTLY know something is wrong.   She was JUST HERE.  What could have possibly have gone so wrong in one week?

Cancer.  Again.

WHAT?!  That gut wrenching feeling, knowing you can't do a thing about it, knowing you can't hug her, knowing that you can't hear what the doctors say, knowing you will not get to hug her for for 3 more months and knowing that it's not the little Stage II this time, it's the terrible IV that you didn't want to hear the doctors say ever.  What is it about being cancer free for 5.5 years?  I thought she was in the clear?  She hasn't done anything to deserve having to go through this again.  Anger, rage and confusion all directed towards the doctors for not doing their job.  There should be a test, full scan done before they take someone off their drugs at the end to "double check".  The intense rage will get you nothing though besides some high blood pressure and a gut ache.

All I can do is sit here and be supportive.  Comfort, console, check in, and try to deal with it in my own way.  Right now, that's through writing.  Supportive through port placements, chemo treatments, hearing about what's going to be done next, and supportive through another round of hair loss.  (and some pretty informative texts)  By the way, she's starting to respond to her chemo treatment and the doctors have said they are happy with her progress.  That's a positive sign.

So until I leave on May 18th, you'll see posts about experiencing my last few months of Egegik and we'll see how the job search goes.  I'd love to find my "forever school".  I'd also love to hear from some of the readers of this blog if they'd love to see it continue through updates when I think about Egegik or hear from the students.   OR  Would you like to follow me to a new blog when it's time?  Please comment below.

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